duckyduckydoo

So I am reading someone’s blog and she talked about how she was on the way to onederland.  And it got me thinking.  I have been in the 200s for HALF my life.  Half my life, which equals to almost my entire adult life.  What the heck?  I never really thought about it before I guess. 

It makes me so darn angry that I have wasted all those young years when I could have looked so damn hot.  I fooled myself by saying that I didn’t really want to wear the clothes that others in their early 20s wore.  Nah, I told myself that I wanted to dress like a matronly old fart.  I wonder, is that why I took jobs working in offices when in reality I never wanted to do that?  After all, who could wear lo-rise jeans and sexy half shirts when you are working for the local cardiologist?  Nope, must wear a dress or suit.  OMG I really really never thought about it like that before. 

I have always said I didn’t want to wear the current fashions because i was modest and they were expensive and slutty looking.  Well you know what?  I am modest and they are expensive and slutty looking….AND I DO WANT TO WEAR THEM!  I want to walk in a bar or restaurant and have heads turn, not because I am the frumpy fat lady but because I look fantastic and sexy.  And trust me, people probably weren’t looking at me as the frumpy fat lady either.  That is just something we tell ourselves.  And how vain is that?  Sure, some people do look, but honestly most do not.   

And when my husband accepts me for how I look, that’s great.  But where is the motivation in that?  I mean honeslty I am sure that I can look even more amazing and have even more energy, and that he would love that.  And my kids, wow to have a mom who could actually play on the toys they are playing on at the park…or ride the rides with them at the fair…wow that would be amazing.

So what keeps me from doing it?  What am I telling myself unconsciously which keeps me from actually reaching that weight again?  I know I started packing on the pounds when I was married to my EX who made me feel like dirt and who was emotionally and physically abusive to me.  So many nights I remember laying in bed, desperately wanting him to touch me, and knowing that he would reject me once again as he had for the previous 11 months (yes, ELEVEN months of no sex or even touching) and I would get to hear him say, “Look at yourself!  Nobody would ever want someone like you.”  And somewhere along the way, I bought into that hook, line and sinker.  And no matter what, I simply cannot get the voice to stop echoing inside that I am not worthy…I am a piece of garbage that nobody will ever want.  Isn’t that why he cheated?

It took me years to believe my current husband wouldn’t cheat on me because why would he want someone that looked like me when there are so many beautiful women in the world that he could have.  And I put him through the ringer on that.  Those doubts spike every now and again, but I do know that he is in it for the long haul because he loves me.  After all, he has known me since I was 12 so he has known me through the thin years, the awkward years, and the fat years.  Right? 

So where does this leave me?  Knowing these things and actually believing in them enough to change my life are two completely different things.  So how does one get from one to the other??