duckyduckydoo

My Tony Little Ab Lounge Extreme arrived yesterday!  And I have already set it up, watched the DVD and ……….. drum roll please ……. EXERCISED TWICE!!!!!!!  And it was fun!  I loved it and I could totally feel it working my abs.  And I worked up a good sweat, but never felt hurt or tired or anything but energized and super duper extraordinairily GRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!!!

I think that maybe just maybe, I have found something that will work for me!  Doin’ the happy dance!!!!  Woohoo!!  (Am I excited or what?  LOL)  I even got my teen to do it .. and we both did great. 

Oh, and I also got my brand new iRobot Roomba vacuum.  It is so darn cute and works like a dream on my hardwood floors and rugs.  Yep, a great day for me.  Oh, and I actually managed to get in all my water and green tea yesterday and today, plus ate pretty darn close to on target.  Oh, AND I stink!  LOL  Cuz I worked out so hard!  It’s a good thing, honestly! 

Off to the shower I go…..woohoo!!

So I am reading someone’s blog and she talked about how she was on the way to onederland.  And it got me thinking.  I have been in the 200s for HALF my life.  Half my life, which equals to almost my entire adult life.  What the heck?  I never really thought about it before I guess. 

It makes me so darn angry that I have wasted all those young years when I could have looked so damn hot.  I fooled myself by saying that I didn’t really want to wear the clothes that others in their early 20s wore.  Nah, I told myself that I wanted to dress like a matronly old fart.  I wonder, is that why I took jobs working in offices when in reality I never wanted to do that?  After all, who could wear lo-rise jeans and sexy half shirts when you are working for the local cardiologist?  Nope, must wear a dress or suit.  OMG I really really never thought about it like that before. 

I have always said I didn’t want to wear the current fashions because i was modest and they were expensive and slutty looking.  Well you know what?  I am modest and they are expensive and slutty looking….AND I DO WANT TO WEAR THEM!  I want to walk in a bar or restaurant and have heads turn, not because I am the frumpy fat lady but because I look fantastic and sexy.  And trust me, people probably weren’t looking at me as the frumpy fat lady either.  That is just something we tell ourselves.  And how vain is that?  Sure, some people do look, but honestly most do not.   

And when my husband accepts me for how I look, that’s great.  But where is the motivation in that?  I mean honeslty I am sure that I can look even more amazing and have even more energy, and that he would love that.  And my kids, wow to have a mom who could actually play on the toys they are playing on at the park…or ride the rides with them at the fair…wow that would be amazing.

So what keeps me from doing it?  What am I telling myself unconsciously which keeps me from actually reaching that weight again?  I know I started packing on the pounds when I was married to my EX who made me feel like dirt and who was emotionally and physically abusive to me.  So many nights I remember laying in bed, desperately wanting him to touch me, and knowing that he would reject me once again as he had for the previous 11 months (yes, ELEVEN months of no sex or even touching) and I would get to hear him say, “Look at yourself!  Nobody would ever want someone like you.”  And somewhere along the way, I bought into that hook, line and sinker.  And no matter what, I simply cannot get the voice to stop echoing inside that I am not worthy…I am a piece of garbage that nobody will ever want.  Isn’t that why he cheated?

It took me years to believe my current husband wouldn’t cheat on me because why would he want someone that looked like me when there are so many beautiful women in the world that he could have.  And I put him through the ringer on that.  Those doubts spike every now and again, but I do know that he is in it for the long haul because he loves me.  After all, he has known me since I was 12 so he has known me through the thin years, the awkward years, and the fat years.  Right? 

So where does this leave me?  Knowing these things and actually believing in them enough to change my life are two completely different things.  So how does one get from one to the other??

I have no clue what happened but I have gained 1.5 pounds this week!  Ok maybe that isn’t the most honest thing to say “I have no clue” becase in fact I do.  I didn’t exercise as much as I could have because it was raining most of the week so we didn’t get outside much.  Ok and we had pizza and I ate too much and even had ranch dressing (full fat too) with my bread sticks.  Ok ok I know what I did wrong….I have no good excuse..and I don’t want to use excuses anyways.  So back on track I go.

What have I done to get back on track? 

1. Forgiven myself for the mistakes I made
2. Ordered Belly Dancing for Wimps so that I have a workout tape on days when it is too hot or too cold or whatever other excuse I have for not walking (thanks to Trishkaa for turning me on to the idea of bellydancing!)
3. Planned meals for the entire long weekend so that I will stay on track.
4. Purchased healthy fruits and veggies to have on hand in case I get the munchies again….and fat free light ranch dressing if I must indulge.

In the end, I am actually kinda proud of myself because although I had a gain and it wasn’t due to TOM, I have a plan and that should help me get back to where I was before TOM arrives.

So as many of you know, I have been struggling with motivation and just keeping a positive outlook on things in my life…mainly with my weight loss efforts.  So I am reading All You Magazine over the weekend, and came across an article entitled “Turn around a bad day” in which they gave five tricks to try that should help you change from a bad day to a good day.  And one of the reader tips really hit me:  Make a backward to-do list.

This is brilliant!  Instead of fretting about all the things I have NOT done, I can sit down at any time, day or night, and list the things I HAVE done.  All you list makers out there will probably appreciate the very sense of this idea!  Because it is relatively easy to write down things you have done…simply getting up and stretching could make the list if all else fails.  And, if you are like me, you could then cross it off and feel like you HAVE accomplished something today!  What an incredible idea!  Thank you Nichole Giordana from Eldersburg MD for this idea!!!

Today’s Backwards To Do List:

1. Got up and streched. (check!  had to add that one…LOL)
2. Made a healthy breakfast for my kids (check!)
3. Changed my little ones diaper (check)
4. Put her in a new pull-up (check)
5. Helped my kids pick out clothes for the day (check!)
6. Argued with my teen (hey, it’s still something I DID today! check!)
7. Called my teen in as excused for her tardy without her knowing (check!)
8. Texted her friend to let her know Alexa was going to be late and that she was in a rotten mood because we took her phone away for a week. (check)
9. Packed my husband’s clothes for his road trip (check)
10. Dressed the kids (check)
11. Showered (check)
12. Got dressed (check)
13. Called my mom to see how her day was yesterday (check)
14. Said hello to the neighbor who never talks, and actually learned something about him and his girlfriend (they are moving…check)
15. Drove the kids to daycare so they could play with their friends (check)
16. Went to the bank (check)
17. Chatted with the teller about this and that (she’s a hoot…check)
18. Went to breakfast with my hubby (check)
19. Ate a healthy breakfast and brought home half of the meal for the kids to eat later (check check)
20. Drove my hubby to his semi so he could get back on the road (check)
21. Reread the All You article (check)
22. Blogged here to let all of you know about this article’s idea (check)

Wow … twenty two things today!  And I’ve only been up for 3 hours.  Woohoo!  That’s over 7 things an hour.  And frankly, I am being kinda silly here, but you get the point.  If we dig deep enough, we can always find SOMETHING positive that we have done.  I like this idea.  And I don’t plan to post this here often, but it is nice to know that when I am feeling down, or YOU are, finding positive things is only a list away!!

Things I am grateful for:

1. All of you!
2. My sexy gorgeous wonderful kind and dependable hubby
3. My teen for despite her cranky attitude, she really rocks
4. My little ones who ALWAYS make me smile simply by being them
5. The fact that adoption day is rapidly approaching and for once and for all, my little ones will truly be OURS FOREVER (this is over two years in the making…so happy happy are we!!)
6. My Mom for without her, I would not be the woman I am today
7. Reading the article in All You so that I could find something to hang onto when I am feeling down and like I have not accomplished a thing!
8. The new pic I received of my new puppy Snoopy.  He’s SO darn cute!
9. I lost a pound even though I started the week with my TOM!!
10. I am alive, healthy, wealthy, and blessed in so many ways.

My friend sent me some pics she took of me and my family over the weekend and I was NOT pleased to see how I looked.  Even with the weight loss, it just was frightening.  I so rarely allow a pic to be taken of myself and now this!  Sigh. 

On the flipside, it has motivated me to get my rear in gear and get serious about this weight loss plan.  It really doesn’t matter so much what plan you follow as much as it matters that you follow it, right?

We have not been able to afford the gym membership with everything that has been going on (it just seemed like a frill) but that certainly does not stop me from taking my big old butt outside and walking around the neighborhood, right?  And yet here I sit, closed in the house on a beautiful day making excuses.  Sure, I am so out of shape that it often ends up hurting my back.  This is because I tend to push myself further than I should, especially if my teen is with us because I don’t want to have her think I am out of shape.  Duh!  Like she is blind to the fact that I weigh over 250 pounds!  Yah sure! 

Geez…who the heck do I think I am fooling by wearing longer shirts, minimizer bras, and girdle like underwear?  At the end of the day, I am still one F-A-T … FAT girl!  What I see in the mirror never reflects what I see in a pic, because I always have my handy dandy pair of rose colored glasses on, and looking at the pics makes me sick to my stomach so I avoid that unpleasantry.  Perhaps I should carry one around to remind myself, and yet knowing myself, I know I won’t.  Just sweep it all under the rug, ma’am, and thank you very much.  Cuz we all know that sweeping it under the rug, putting our head in the sand, etc etc is just going to work wonders!!  NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I just woke up so damn mad.  Mad at myself for allowing myself to get this big and for all the excuses I have made over the years as to why I am the way I am.  Mad that others played along with those excuses…oh its her metabolism, the stress, her ex husband, yada yada yada.  Nope, come on people, it’s me…the one who ate her way through a terrible marriage and miscarriage.  The one who ate her way through depression, and still does at times.  The one who LIES to herself and others about what she really eats and really does during the day.  Yup, that’s me.  A fraud.

I get excited about other people’s weight loss and think, “Oh there’s a plan for me” and then after a short time, when it just bets to be too hard, too much, or too boring, I quit.  Yup..big time quitter with a capital Q.  One would think that looking at my now nearly 200 pound teen daughter that I would think, “Hmmmm let’s lose weight together and YOU are the adult who needs to ensure she eats healthy, etc.”  After all, my two little ones eat very healthy vitamin packed meals.  So why do I allow us to not??  Is it because I am so tired of taking care of everyone else that I simply cannot find the energy to take care of me?  And her?  Is it because I just do not know where to begin or that I am loved by my hubby like I am now so that I don’t feel like I have to lose weight but I really do because I want to be the kind of mom who plays with her kids, not the kind who sits on her fat ass watching tv, playing on the computer, talking on the phone, and eating eating eating.

Dang it ladies and gentlemen….how do you find your motivation!?  And then when you do, how do you keep hold of it!!!  It is constantly slipping through my fingers.  YES I know that I have lost weight.  And for that I really am proud and happy.  AND knowing myself, I feel it slipping away.  I need to figure out how to STAY motivated, not just get motivated.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That’s what I am today…a big old grumpy butt.  There are so many reasons for it too:

1. I miss my husband.  He was supposed to be home today but got delayed due to his job and now won’t be home til next weekend, if we are lucky.
2. I am mad at my husband.  See #1.  I know it is his job and by doing this job it is allowing me to be a SAHM, which is huge!  But I just wish he could have done something other than be an over the road driver because it just sucks having him gone so much.  Couldn’t he have just been a doctor or lawyer or banker?  (Ok that’s not fair but still.)
3. I am mad at myself for feeling like I do in #2. 
4. I am lonely.  My hubby is usually gone 2 to 10 days at a time, then home for a couple of days.  We have had a routine and it is liveable.  I don’t like it, but I can live it.  (It’s a short term plan, maybe 2-3 years I hope.  Is that short term???)  Usually the time just flows by.  But this time with him almost making it home and then being sent east again, I feel like I was robbed.  Most of my friends are either teachers or in their final stages of becoming teachers or parents or both so they are busy with their own lives.  I am shy and so making new friends is hard, plus I have trust issues.  (Looooong story there.)  My family lives about three hours away and with fuel prices, not to mention having 3 kids, 2 dogs, and all their stuff, it is difficult to just pack up and go.
5. I am irritated that my 4 yr old son is still not potty trained!  He will go pee on the potty when you remind him, and he will poop on the potty on his own (thank goodness) but he can sit right next to me and pee his underwear or pull-up without even batting an eye.  Now I know that he came to us two years ago with major delays due to being in an abusive and neglectful home, and that he was three months or more premature and had no real stimulation to help him “catch up” and that we have been playing catch up ever since.  I know these are reasons for him being who he is, and I do love and adore him.  I just am irritated. 
6. I am mad that I am so pissy (can I say that here?)  I realize my TOM is fast approaching and that this does not help matters, but I also know that being human, the stress I am under is certainly not helping SO I realize that this affects my weight loss ability.  Yes I have lost weight, I just know that I could be doing so much better if I felt more in control.
7. I am sad that more people do not read these blogs and post comments because on a day like today, I could really use it.  Maybe just writing it is therapeutic enough.  Maybe.

Ok so there it is … the way I feel today.  I can hear my Gram saying “this too shall pass” and I know it is true….I just don’t care today.  Sigh.

Ok so I decided that I would go through my closet and some boxes and see what clothes I have that I might be able to fit in soon…once I have lost about 20 pounds, I estimate I should fit in a size smaller, right?  Well much to my chagrin, I found the tags missing from most of the clothes.  Right, yeah I remember now…I tore them out because God forbid I remember the size I am.  It’s not like I did it because I thought someone else would see.  Or did I? 

I mean who am I really fooling by removing the tags?  Do the tags make me appear fat or does the mere fact that I am overweight make me look that way?  How is removing my tags going to benefit me in any way, shape or form?  And now that I am on the road to losing weight, how will I ever know which ones I can wear and which ones I cannot without first trying them on and then feeling depressed because they are still too tight?  Oh sure I will find some that would surprise me by fitting, but how I know what size they are so that I can feel impressed with myself? 

The other day my parents brought me over some old dresses that I used when I was in Rainbow Girls and/or that I wore to the proms I attended.  I thought, “Aha!  Finally I can find something with tags.”  Nope, no tags.  I tore them out too because back when I weighed 135 pounds, (the horror!) I felt like I was FAT.  Oh to be that fat yet again.  For goodness sakes, how long has this insecurity about my weight been going on?  Back when I was 15 and people made comments about how tiny my waist was and yet I felt FAT????  What has this society done to us? 

The whole experience makes me mad and even more determined to find myself proudly displaying my clothing size.  I long for the days when I feel content with who I am and how I look, and when I don’t avoid tagless clothes..you know, the ones that they print the size right on the shirt or pants so that you cannot rip it off?  Ahhh someday to not worry if a tag happens to slip up and reveal my waist size….to be walking around in my 501s with the size proudly displayed on my rear…to be able to walk into any clothing store and actually buy something off the rack!  Maybe this is the kick in the butt that I need.  I don’t know for sure.  What I do know is that I am sick of clothes with ripped out tags because they reveal FAILURE to me and I am NOT a failure, I am just a LOSER….and proud of it!!

5 Things I am Grateful For:

1. Tags in clothes (you had to know that I would say that right?)
2. Fresh local fruits and vegetables
3. My hubby heading home from MA
4. The fact that my folks are mentally and physically healthy
5. Washable crayons….makes clean up oh so much easier when my little Picassos decide to color on the walls

5 Things I am Going to be:

1. A tag wearing, tag displaying, fit , healthy, and sexy woman
2. Content with who I am and how I look
3. More patient and calm
4. A better wife, mother, daughter, and friend
5. Me….loser extraordinaire!

5 things I am grateful for

1. Oxiclean…man it takes out a stain!
2. My sense of humor and ability to laugh at myself
3. My family and friends
4. The way my 2 yr old laughs and giggles when I tickle her
5. The fact that I am alive and getting healthy

5 things that I am going to be

1. A slimmer, healthier and better mom
2. A sexier and more active wife  hee hee
3. A better Christian
4. A stronger soul
5. A more relaxed person

Five things I am grateful for: 

1. My husband
2. My children
3. This website with all its wonderful people
4. The fact my parents are still alive and healthy
5. Spring

Five things I am going to be:

1. Healthy
2. Happy
3. Sexy
4. A better wife and mother
5. Able to fit in my prom dress from 1986!

I post on another weight loss website as well (extrapounds.com) and I found this on one of my buddies blogs.  It really made me stop and think about what was important to me, and what I am most grateful for.  I am planning to post this several times per week and think we all should!  I am crossposting this on the bulletin board too and would love to see other peoples responses.  GO WILDCATS

Well lately I just do not feel like blogging or eating healthy.  We have gone to DQ twice this week for ice cream.  I’m so darn mad at myself!  I guess maybe because I am not seeing the results I had hoped for…but then again, I don’t think I am doing what I am supposed to be doing anyways.  I haven’t been exercising at all…other than playing with the kids, shoveling snow, and doing laundry.  And that’s not enough.  Grrrrrrrrrrr  I need some motivation help!!!!